Now that’s vulnerable

by Randy Kiel | March 25, 2025

One of the most commonly expressed reasons that couples and families seek counseling is for their struggles with communication.

To express oneself clearly so that it represents the intended message is quite a complex skill to develop.

Often, while unbeknownst to us, we adapt uniqueness to our communication skill sets. As we go through life we use terms and expressions that define the region we come from, demonstrate the type of home we grew up in and signify the type of culture we belong to.          

Communication is measured on a continuum, and it cannot be perfected. When people don’t think they have any communication problems, they only need to ask someone who is close to them to help them to see the errors of their communication ways. In the workplace, ask a co-worker; if you are a boss, ask the employees; if you are married, ask your spouse, and if you are a parent, ask your children.

We all have communication deficits and difficulties.

Professional communication is most often developed with more proficiency as a skillset than personal communication. To put it bluntly, work-talk is far less intimidating than personal talk. It is far less vulnerable. Understanding this helps us to comprehend where  personal communication breaks down.

Most often people refer to personal communication difficulties as a weak skillset, but if we look deeper it is a problem with vulnerability.

Vulnerability is not a skill; it is a decision. We decide with whom, if anybody at all, we will disclose our personal self.

The three primary tenets of communication needed in the work environment are: Answer the questions, tell the reasons for your answer and share why that was your answer.

As you can surmise, we use these in the tasking side of personal relationships as well. If you are able to have and maintain the first three tenets of communication in your personal relationships, you are able to explore these three additional tenets of communication: Exposure of a vulnerability, divulge how that vulnerability came to be and disclose the depth of its significance.

When you put all six tenants of communication together, you create the most intimate sort of relationship where both people experience personal significance to the relationship.

The following statements are examples of utilizing this level of disclosure: “I love you.” “I am sorry.” “I forgive you.” It was my fault.” “I want to pray with you.”

The inability to be vulnerable in significant relationships creates a limit on how much those relationships can evolve and deepen. This inability creates a relational block.

It is vulnerability that breaks down this blockage. Vulnerability allows emotional safety and trust to develop with another person. Not being vulnerable hinders the development of relational intimacy.

If we have heard someone say, “I just can’t get close to you” then the last three tenets of communication need worked on so that closeness may exist. 

Jesus didn’t simply answer questions as any Jewish Rabbi would do; He exposed who he truly was. He didn’t merely tell of his wonderous deeds; He divulged that they all came from the Father above. And he not only shared a last supper with his loved ones; He disclosed that he was truly the utmost humble lamb, sacrificed for the meal itself.

The perfect form of vulnerable communication is demonstrated to us by Christ with his disciples. We must consume him so that he may consume us.

Now, that’s vulnerable.

Within the very essence of Jesus’ birth unto his death, his whole life was connected by vulnerability. Life and death themselves are connected by vulnerability. To love another means to love their vulnerability also.

We risk rejection for the need of loving and being loved. We seek the care, attention, guidance, support, and love from another.

We seek God. 

And to you, the readers of this article, this deacon says to you, “I love you.” 

Once again, that’s vulnerable! That’s communicating.